Acquiring Good Negotiating Listening Skills

'Do you hear what I hear?' That's the flashing, neon question mark isn't it? When people, and this includes negotiators, gather together after hearing someone else speak, you often hear dissimilar versions about what they heard. People digest what other people tell them and provide their own unique interpretation about what was said to them. It sometimes makes you wonder whether we are speaking the same language.

If someone were to tell you that you have to hone-up on your listening skills, you would probably stare wide eyed at the person in disbelief. It probably sounds idiotic to suggest we need to learn how to listen effectively. You'd think that your hearing was one of the five senses you've been using since the cradle, so how in heck can anyone even bother to waste your time, by telling you that you need to listen properly? You'd be amazed how much we need to sharpen this simple skill, to boost our negotiating powers. Let's see how we can improve our negotiating skills by really examining the listening process in minute detail.

What does listening mean?

First, listening is actually broken down into 2 specific functions. The first obvious function is the reception portion where we receive the message from the person speaking.

The second function of listening is how we decode or interpret the message that we receive. This is the tricky one.

Three categories of listening have been identified. All of us actively engage in these three forms of listening when someone is speaking to us, but we need to dissect them so we will effectively take advantage of the total process.

1) Passive Listening

Just as the phrase implies, we sit there like a sponge and absorb the message from the sender without any form of active engagement. We do not acknowledge what is being said to us, nor do we provide any feedback that we are absorbing.

Clearly, this underscores the importance of paying attention when we are listening. This strikingly illustrates why a negotiator should not be distracted by looking over or rifling through their notes and files, and not giving the speaker their full and undivided attention.

We are being disrespectful to the speaker when we allow other things to distract us. Distractions will also cause us to miss some important information, or misunderstand a key section of the message. Listening requires single-mindedness and concentration.

How else can this blaringly, but obvious titbit be of use to us?

Well, consider this possibility - there are people who cannot tolerate long silences. They need to fill in a lengthy silence gap with conversation. They simply can't keep quiet. When we encounter this sort of person in a negotiation situation, all we have to do is to stay silent. It is very possible and not unlikely that the person may begin a one way dialogue, or divulge information that we can use to our advantage. We can learn valuable information and perhaps enhance our agreement. Our negotiating counterparty may even talk themselves, into either accepting or deciding against a position, all on their own.

This type of negotiator is also susceptible to speak when, not having got a satisfactory response from him, all you need do, is remain silent and stare at the person expectantly. The talkative negotiator can no longer tolerate the silence and will begin to add or provide more information. This technique is also referred to as ' The pregnant pause'.

2) Acknowledgement Listening

This is the second form of listening. It involves a slightly more active role in the listening process. It simply means that we provide a sign of recognition to the speaker, by sending them subtle messages. We accomplish this by telegraphing physical signals to the narrator, to show that we are involved in the listening process. This is a visual clue that is a form of positive engagement and encourages the person who is speaking.

During the listening process, it is imperative we make eye contact with the speaker as much as possible. This will give the speaker validity and the confidence that their message is reaching us.

Other physical signals to show that we are tracking the relevant points, include nodding our head, saying 'mm-hmm.', or 'I see', or by making other physical gestures such as grinning at a pun. 

Physical responses, like frowning or shaking our head, also informs the speaker whether we disagree with their position. This signifies that important issues are being resisted or disputed, and should perhaps be addressed immediately before proceeding further.

3) Active Listening

The final form of receiving the counterparty's message, involves verbal participation and is also referred to as 'reflective responding'. Basically, this process repeats the phrase back to the speaker by re-phrasing what was just said, but in a slightly different manner. For example, we might hear the speaker say something like ' I am particularly puzzled about how we are going to resolve the distribution conflict.' You re-phrase it back to the speaker by saying ' You are really stymied on this issue.'

The majority of times that we use reflective statements, are essentially applied when they make personal reference to their feelings, positions or beliefs about something. In a sense, we commiserate with the speaker which acts as a bond or an abstract pat on the back as if to say, ' I hear you - I understand.'

This type of active listening allows us to follow the speaker, without pressuring them, while permitting us to further explore this line of thought in greater detail. Additionally, we signal to the speaker that we are fully and actively engaged in the communication process by responding to their feelings.

Summary

The listening process described above does not mean or suggest a negotiator should remain passive. We have our own business objectives and positions to put forward and defend. It is meant to allow us to gain valuable information, that we can use to our benefit and possible advantage. At the same time enabling us to learn more about their positions and business objectives. Having more information at our disposal, also allows us to fully develop our own negotiating strategy.

1. Max H. Bazerman, Margaret A. Neale, 'Negotiating Rationally', The Free Press - MacMillian, (1992).
2. J. Lewicki, A. Litterer, W.Minton, M. Sauders, 'Negotiation', 2nd Edition, Irwin,(1994).
3. Leigh Thompson, 'The Heart and Mind of the Negotiator-2nd Edition', Prentice Hall Business Publishing, (2001).